leaving home, leaving the nest, the cocoon, stretching that damned metaphorical bubble the furthest it’s ever been stretched since I stepped inside in march 2013.
Have I done it? Am I ready? Will I ever be ready? OMG.
Many moments of private tears over the past few days when gathering things together; a culmination of flashbacks from packing for uni the first time and wondering what I would have done differently knowing what I know now. Also trying to think of all the things I have achieved whilst at home. And berating myself for not having done more, read more, cooked more, created more, painted more, practiced my uke more.
This week the girls next door taught me how to ripstick.
A space age-y skateboard that requires wobbly knees and ankles to move. With much determination and hours of practice up and down the road after school I finally got it (although fluke because the next day I was back to basics!!). It really served as a reminder to me that there is no substitute for hard work – I need to remember this in the upcoming weeks and months as I get back into that thing called routine.
I have absolutely no idea what to expect and also not sure who I am anymore, looking back on this whole time (if you don’t know by now I hate the phrase ‘journey’) it feels almost dream like – bad dream but dream all the same. I’m not quite sure who I am after it all however, so in order to help myself distinguish a personality I went and did what any rational person would do in this situation – shopping! To carve out my ‘image’, cement who ‘I am’ – and like the girl who gets a haircut to get over her boyfriend or the person who gets a motivational phrase as a tattoo; the authentic ‘real you’ isn’t altered. Duhhh why can’t my sage head always be screwed on..!?
And because getting my driving liscence /re-learning to drive is number 4 on my to-do list I went online shopping. Which in a word is, risky. There’s some adrenaline rush knowing that you’ve spent enough ££££ for next day delivery ((and then after figuring out how the university email system works (via a very complicated set of instructions) setting up an account making use of being a student / discount perks!!
Even if 98% of the items are being sent back. Ordering in the vain hope that some of these threads will serve me up an epiphany as to how I am to carry on into the next stage of operation – BACK INTO THE WORLD.
bUUUUUUUT they didn’t, not one garm gave me wisdom – perhaps it was the lack of result that reminded me what was most important, summed up by the greatest of wordsmiths,
to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Chemo and Cremé Eggs 